Why I decided to even bother with this, not even I know at this point. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m actively returning to the version of “me” that I used to be, maybe it’s a sign that I’ve finally gone off of the deep end. I’d very much like to believe that the latter isn’t the case. It’s been years since I considered writing this kind of “memoir”, in the event that something catastrophic or debilitating happened to me, and I believe that I’ve reached that point. Whether this is temporary, or the “beginning of the end”, I can’t really tell yet. All I know is that recent events seem to have caused enough emotional trauma that it has begun to affect me on a level so deep, that it is actively messing with my interpretation of reality, as well as transforming the way that I feel about my immediate surroundings in such a way that it’s making things very hard to concentrate on, insofar as to make me question who “I” am.
So…where do we begin. Seeing as I have absolutely no fucking idea how these kinds of sites work from the ground up (I’m very much out of practice, as it were; web design was never really my “forte”, and I never really cared about the intricacies beyond what I was able to scrabble together for a college class, so that I could move forward into the security field and leave this all behind), I’ll keep it simple. Why are we all here today? Is anybody even reading this? Time will tell.
I’ve been experiencing…some really bad mental issues lately. Depression? Absolutely, I’ve had it for years. Never was diagnosed, at least, until recently when the signs started to show through the cracks of my already fragile psyche. Whether it led to these weird “lapses” or “episodes” that I’ve been having in the past few years…I’m honestly not even sure anymore. Starting approximately 3 years ago (or, roughly Fall of 2021), I’ve been having moments where my brain would just…stop. Temporarily, usually in spans of 5-10 seconds, wherein my vision would tunnel to a point, my head would start twitching to the left, and my left eye would blink uncontrollably, it felt like what could be classified as a “seizure”. Granted, this was by my own “self-diagnosis”, so it can’t be in any means considered the be-all end-all diagnosis, but everything about them just seemed…wrong. They would start happening intermittently, and over time, they began to get…weird. In addition to the above, I’d feel the left side of my body go numb for the duration, I’d smile uncontrollably on that side…everything about this is unlike anything that I’ve ever felt before. A few doctors visits later after they started getting worse in late 2022/early 2023…the first doctor tossed the dice after an EEG/electro-encephalography session and diagnosed me as epileptic, then started to pump my body with levetiracetam (“Keppra”, as they have it branded). Whether is is a “proper” diagnosis or not (especially by my CURRENT doctor’s analysis)…I still don’t know, and I probably never will.
As of October 7th, 2024, I am 30 years old. I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome in 2006, when my whole world was flipped upside-down by societal norms, and began to be treated like abject garbage by my peers. As most children did, growing up in the late 90s, I found solace in the Internet. My Internet clientele refer to me by many names, though the two prominent ones seem to have created such a fixed point on my ego, that they’ve effectively been etched onto my existence in this physical plane. Some call me Seth. Others, Renault. We’ll get into the meaning behind these more once I decide where I’m taking this blog. As to why I choose to go by something other than my real name…it’s complicated. There’s a part of my brain that has always refused to acknowledge the “real” me (i.e., who I am as a person, outside of the digital realm, in what is known as “meatspace”), and prefers to be referred to as another entity entirely. Does that make me sound crazy? Probably. Do I care? Not really. I’ve always been at odds with my real name, it just took me a while to decide how I wanted to manifest it. A “persona”, if you will.
For the uninitiated though, as I’ve intoned above, I harbor a sort of fascination and aptitude with computer hardware, sometimes software. My peers have often spoken of my talents, going so far as to consult me for technical advice, yet I would still only consider myself an “ascended tinkerer”. Yes, I work with computers professionally in my career, however, due to my self-deprecating and often overall melancholic worldview, I refuse to acknowledge my true skill level beyond it. Despite all that I’ve achieved, I have always told myself that there was much more to learn, much more to do, much more to experience…and I continually hold myself back. Where am I going with this? Do I dislike my skillset? Absolutely not; I find it cathartic to work on projects of my own design, as well as adapting existing blueprints to work for my own needs. Sometimes, these skills segue into other fields, including but not limited to electrical projects (car audio systems, soldering, simple circuits, micro computer mods, etc.) and 3D printing (assembly, modification, upgrades, etc.), though my interests are many. Whether any of my exploits or projects end up on here…well, Bob’s your uncle, I guess. Something like that.
I suppose that I should close this out by saying that this is just a “taste” of the thoughts that have been flying through my head lately. I know not whether “blogging” is going to help me regain what I have lost due to these health issues (the last seizure med had the unfortunate side-effect of causing lasting memory issues and overall debilitating dissociation/derealization lapses in my brain, to the point where I may not even remember typing this when I wake up in the morning), but it might be worth a shot. I’d honestly just consider this “if you feel like reading it, fuck it, what have you got to lose?”.
‘night.
Seth
Your name is Seth Tabris. Or, that’s what your friends call you. It may or may not be your tendency to use the characters you have made as impromptu aliases in social situations where you’d rather not let people who don’t deserve to know you, well, know you. Something weird like that.
Your interests include COMPUTERS, TERRESTRIAL VEHICLES, and FICTIONAL JAPANESE FEMALES.
Your preferred combat modus is the scytheKind Strife specibus.
Your chumHandle is cryogenicApparition.
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